


Agent B

by MiscWorker



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:47:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26652403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiscWorker/pseuds/MiscWorker
Summary: An absolutely silly story I was commissioned, featuring a spinoff OC based on Phineas and Ferb.You can commission me work like this!... But less silly work, trust me.





	Agent B

Neo and Lorelai walked down the street with their hands in their pockets, talking about whatever came to mind, when suddenly Lorelai asked, “Hey, where’s your lizard?”  
“First of all, he is not a lizard- he’s an amphibian. Salamanders aren’t a part of the reptile family like lizards are. And second-” He felt his shoulder where he thought his pet was, who had mysteriously vanished, and he looked around, asking, “Where did he go?”  
Slipped away from their sight, Babs was creeping into an alley where he heard a high pitched beep only animals like him could hear. He tracked it to an empty trash can with a suspicious flashing red button on its side, and he pushed it as if it was second nature for him to do so.  
A familiar voice buzzed from the trash can, saying, “Agent B, you are needed. Report to your lair immediately for instructions.”  
That was his cue: Babs stood up on his hind legs and opened the top of the trash can, jumping into it with his arms raised up and diving down a chute that took him underground into his very own top secret lair, complete with all gadgets and tools needed to pacify and arrest bad guys and criminals of all sorts. He landed right into his chair, felt the soft landing of brown fedora upon his head, and looked up at the great screen before him, where his superior Major Monogram appeared live.  
“Agent B,” he said, his gray mustache quivering with every word he said, “A new villain has risen in the tri-state area: the location of Doctor Sweetenschmirtz has been identified. She’s using a suspicious amount of electricity, likely to power some dangerous project of her’s. We have to find out what her plan is and stop her immediately. Don’t let us down, Agent B.”  
Agent B saluted in compliance and raced to yet another chute, where he went in barehanded and shot out at the top into the city with a glider equipped, and he flew towards the distant skyscraper he was instructed to pay a visit. He let the wind carry him to the highest floor where there was an open balcony for him to land on, but the moment he stepped down, an alarm buzzed and a cage opened up from where he stood and trapped him too quickly for him to react!  
He tried to push the cage open, but it was no use, and he saw a woman dressed with clothes that looked fit for a guy and black hair cut quite short, laughing at his incapacitation.  
“Ahh, Babs the Salamander!” she said, “I knew you would be the one they would send after me! And I expected no less, for I am about to become the greatest villain Panem has ever seen, so of course they should send the best to stop me! But the best isn’t enough! Ahaha!”  
She pressed a button on a remote and let a massive object concealed under a tarp roll outside of her laboratory and towards the balcony, saying, “I’m sure your agent organization is wondering why I’m suddenly using so much electricity, but before we start with that, we must explore- my dramatic backstory!”  
Agent B rolled his eyes, and Doctor Sweetenschmirtz said, “No, no, listen! It’s dramatic with a point! Ahem- ever since I was a kid, people have always labeled me differently just because I wanted to dress like a boy, and play with boy toys and act like one. What on Earth is wrong with that? I just don’t like anything girly! I wanted to play football with the guys and work on cars! It’s who I am! But then the gays, oh… They tried to convince me that I was gay for so many years! Which I’m not! I swear I’m not!.. Do you think I am?”  
Agent B shrugged, rolling his eyes again, and Doctor Sweetenschmirtz said, “No, really, what do you think? A little? Some… So-and-so?! Well, I’ve had enough of these conniptions I get from people accusing me of being homosexual! Because I’m not! I’m straight! And what better way to get back at all the gays, then to remove the gay!” She unveiled the object from under its tarp to reveal an enormously sized hair straightener, with various heat options on its dial.  
“Behold, the Straight-in-ator™!.. It’s actually a lot more than that, see, I made it so that it could also change someones sex, their gender, or even take away both so they had no identity at all, you know, in case someone looks at me weird and I can get back at them. But today, we’re eradicating the gays first!” She activated the straightener as it opened up and stretched its great length out over the city, and she turned the dial to straight-in-ate, causing it to heat up dramatically.  
“Now,” she said as Agent B looked for any way he could to escape from his cage, “Since you’re clearly incapable of escaping and there is absolutely no chance that the hero is going to win this time, let me tell you the science behind the machine: you see, in I’ve figured out how to isolate the gay gene in every person carrying it- y-OW!” To both Doctor Sweetenschmirtz and Agent P’s surprise, a turtle came from above and kicked her in the head, knocking her down to the ground.  
It was Agent S, a colleague of Agent B’s from the O.W.C.A., here to save the day! With Doctor Sweetenschmirtz knocked out cold, Agent S hurried to Agent B to help him escape, but it was still no use, and there was a bigger problem- the Straight-in-ator! Agent B pointed to the dial on the machine, where it could potentially be turned off, and Agent S climbed up to it and tried to push it to the off switch, but it was simply too large and heavy for him alone.  
He had to think fast, or the sexual orientation of potentially thousands below would be forcefully changed once the straightener heated up fully. Agent B then realized the remote that moved the straightener was dropped by Doctor Sweetenschmirtz near his cage: he took it and positioned the straightener just by his cage so its heat melted the metal bars trapping him in, granting him an escape, and so he fled to Agent S’s side and to help push the dial.  
But their strength combined was underestimated, and the dial spun around dozens of times after they pushed too hard, and the straightener stirred into a malfunction, retracting and pulling itself into the building and crashing into the walls dangerously.  
“Ehh, oww,” Doctor Sweetenschmirtz finally came to and pulled herself up, “What was that, a shell that hit me? Where did that come-” She looked up at the straightener hovering over her with its electrified heat, and she gasped, “No! The dial, it’s stuck on the sex reverse-in-ate mode! Nooo!” She screamed as her voice shifted scales dramatically, “Curse you Babs the Salamander..!!”  
She had changed for sure, but Agent P and S still had to turn off this machine before it caused anymore destruction- and the last place they realized to look, with a palm to each of their faces, was the plug in the wall. They pulled it and the machine came to a complete stop, and they looked upon Doctor Sweetenschmirtz and how she had now become he, now fitting better into his clothes and looking more cleanly cut with his short black hair.  
“No-” he said, “No! I never wanted to be a man! I was just a tomboyish woman! Noo!”  
Agent B and S had no time to stick around- they had to get back to Major Monogram to report a mission success. They flew back down into the city on a hang glider together as Doctor Sweet yelled their names in anger.  
The two reported to Agent B’s lair together, where Major Monogram spoke to them both.  
“Good work, Agents. It was fortunate that Agent S decided to come, otherwise this would have been a failed mission. The people of various sexual orientations of the tri-state area can now indulge in their love in peace. However, I’m getting reports of a new suspicious character: one by the name of “Straight Man Sweety”? It appears he is in the same exact location as Doctor Sweetenschmirtz was… In fact, he looks a lot like Sweetenschmirtz, but she’s a woman, so surely that’s not him.”


End file.
